I’ve been a bit unsettled lately. I look around and wonder where I’m supposed to be – “not here” I think to myself. But I am here, and there is nothing wrong with this particular place. Driggs could use a bit more culture and a few more painters, but the location has nothing to do with my distraction. No matter the point on a map, I feel this restlessness on a regular basis. As I age, the time between moves grows longer, but the eventual move seems inevitable. I spend too much time thinking about what I might be missing when more energy should go into seeing what is right in front of me.
I think the constant search is for the community, and I have never really found it. I keep shuffling around thinking that the next move will be better. Of course, there are great communities all over the place, and I have lived in many, so I guess this inability to “find” one says more about me than the places I happen to land.
I know this, yet still, I spend hours on the internet searching for… “best small art towns”… “best place to make art” … “best art center”. Things get challenging (or too quiet) and I’m off to find the next “best” place. At some point I may get past that –or perhaps not??
My latest excuse to wander; “I can’t find anyone to learn from here, there are no classes, no one to study portraiture under, not enough action to feed off of…” Yesterday I found myself particularly anxious. I wanted someone to talk to that might understand me. Feeling a bit lost I went to the studio. I knew that no one was there but I didn’t know where else to go. On the table was “The Impressionist, a retrospective”. I had found it at the thrift store a few weeks ago. I finally opened it.
I no longer felt like talking. I was quickly swallowed up by, among many things, letters written by Monet. In one note he writes of being thrown out of his apartment and pleads for a close friend to send him money. He expresses utter despair and concerns about how he will care for his wife and young son.
Six months later there is another letter saying “I’m living like a fighting cock, surrounded by all that I love… We are too preoccupied with what we see and hear in Paris, however strong we are, and what I am doing here at least has the merit of not resembling anyone else’s work, at least I think not, because it will simply be the expression of what I personally feel. The further I progress, the more I regret the little I know: that is definitely the stumbling block.”
I’m in good company and looking forward to living like a fighting cock.
Comments
7 Responses to “living like a fighting cock”
Hi Kelly
Thank you for the lovely E-card. I am also grateful for your friendship and am encouraged by your talent, strength, energy and out look on life. Thanks for your thoughts.
I too sometimes share this feeling of restlessness. It can be crippling to have one foot on the road for me. I know that my full investment in the place is important for my sense of peace and productivity. we light candles each night from christmas night to the new year. each candle represents a pray, wish or hope. This year, one of our eight candles is for “right place” in the hope that we soon make peace with committing to where we are or making the discovery that lures us eagerly to a brave new world.
I would be happy to sit for you in January for as many times as you are willing to use me as a study.
please let me know when are the holes in your schedule.
Love and Grace
Happy New Year!
Posted by hans · via sullistudios.com · 136 months ago
Ha! Thanks Hans. Yes, I can see where you might suffer from the same affliction. I think we’ll light a candle too. Cheers, kelly
Posted by kelly · via sullistudios.com · 136 months ago
Well, ALRIGHT KELLY!!!! I love what happened to you when you opened that book! And Hans response was lovely – yes I think lovely.
So good to see you today for that little while. Our family has been into the “family time” and hunkering down together the past few days – good as we don’t all get together as often as we would like.
I’ll be in town for a few more days and we will do something fun……..wine, skiing, wine and skiing, you name it!
I love candles – I’m lighting one now….
Take care Friend!
Posted by Ginny · via sullistudios.com · 136 months ago
All I can tell you is you are not alone. It is so hard to find community. I think if you are in a more densely populated area, your chances are better though. Just last week i met with two artistic women. One is a painter, the other designs fabric. We really enjoyed being together (we drew and painted and talked) and we all three expressed hope that we could do it again soon but no one could settle on a date.
I think I’ll try to find that book you are reading. Good luck, go west, young woman… 🙂
Posted by mimi torchia boothby watercolors · via sullistudios.com · 135 months ago
I’m thinking Italy – Bologna. First, a summer on the east coast to work my little artsy buns off, followed by a year in Italy. That is my plan. More to come…
Posted by kelly sullivan · via sullistudios.com · 135 months ago
Oh Bologna is a beautiful town!! I love it..good for your kids too.
Posted by mimi · via sullistudios.com · 135 months ago
Italy would be a dream! I hope that comes true for you. Have you searched out any more “workshops” over there?
What did you paint this week? Dare I say I am painting a pink moose?
You are unique and I like to think I am too – let’s not lose that.
Posted by Ginnynorthcott · via sullistudios.com · 135 months ago
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