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Black on my Palette

I want to be fabulous by now.  I want all of my hurdles to be squashed and see myself dancing into a Picasso’esk kind of moment.  I want to recognize the appropriate use of bold color in my own work.  I want to attack every canvas.  I want to capture the spirit of vibrant people in a short amount of time.  I want my vigorous spirit to be recognized and captured, all in the same moment.  I want an intense, extreme, pouring out of my soul, all over the palette, and I want to watch it jump onto the canvas.  I want it so badly, and my inability to get it is crushing.

I have not done any figurative work for two days.  I did exercises in value and bold color instead.  I did what I was told, and I was pleased to be relieved of the choices.  All worth doing, but nothing I plan to show off.

Tomorrow will be a still life.  I hear dead fish are on the menu – perhaps I will be able to capture them by using my killed color… Then onto the landscape where any returned emotion comes from a completely pure place, with no exceptions, no judgment. It just is. Therefore your pleasure, or for your pain. The choice is yours.

I’ll relish the still life and the landscape. But I will ache for something different. I need to paint the (a) figure, a soul, someone that doesn’t care about the outcome; someone that will sit for the sake of sitting. Someone who will sit for me for 4-5 30-minute poses and let me move them around.  Let me throw them all over the canvas – let me paint them blue if I want to.  Let me paint them black.  Right now, they feel black – because I feel black.

It’s late, and skype – as wonderful as it is – just doesn’t cut the cake.  I would like to inspire you every day.  I would like to be inspired every day.  I would like to feel RED tomorrow – and get the black off my palette altogether.


7 Responses to Black on my Palette

I have been following you since reading LIFE IS SHORT. I can hardly think what to say now because I get choked up with wanting to say so much, give you back just a little of what you have given to me, give to the others, too, who read you. You want red on your palette tomorrow but I see fire on your palette today, fire in all your posts and want to suggest that the black is just smoke, a part of the red fire that is what you so generously, so honestly allow others to observe and share of yourself. Its just part of the process and I love the way you are going THROUGH it, not trying to avoid by going around it. Have you thought about getting a large mirror and doing self-portraits? In the meantime, I’d like to pay my respects to your Aunt. She is really something special, too!

Posted by Diane Pool · via · 139 months ago

Thanks Diane, I needed that this morning. It’s nice to know you’re out there, and that my babble serves someone other than myself. I will take your advice. I’m off to see what I see when I look at myself. It may not look like me – but if it feels like me, I will be pleased. And yes – my Aunts are great! Always supportive, always positive. It’s a nice thing. Cheers. Kelly

Posted by kelly · via · 139 months ago

Hey Kelly, I am so enjoying your postings! You and Lydia should team up after you return and produce a monograph, a book or whatever you call it presenting your work, your paintings and your words, it would be a best seller!! I look around at the decrepid old pieces of my work on the walls and begin to ponder, ‘is there something in me left that could produce ‘new’ art on a canvas after so many years away from it?’

Caio e buona fortuna

Posted by Mike Peters · via · 139 months ago

Kelly, I agree with Diane. What you aren’t painting with your brush you are painting with your words. I can’t wait to read your blog every morning. There is such passion and fire in your words, and they paint such a dramatic picture of who you are and what you are feeling. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing so freely your experience. You are allowing me to be liberated and overcome my fears and inhibitions as you express your joy and your anguish. I love Diane’s idea of self-portraits. I hadn’t thought of that myself.

Posted by Yvonne · via · 139 months ago

ah, Kelly, they aren’t providing you with models? (Models don’t care what you do, they’ve seen it all)
I don’t know if it will help, but we definitely share the same demons. I just finished a painting.. when I started it, my hand kept shaking. I kept making ugly mistakes. It was almost as if someone was deliberately sabotaging me. ME! It was ME! doing that. Remember, you are there to learn. When you get home, surrounded by your loved ones, in your own favorite chair in your own studio, you are going to unfold like a rose… Trust me. KEEP Doing what you’re doing. you’ll get there. You definitely have the spirit and stick to it tive ness.

Posted by mimi torchia boothby watercolors · via · 139 months ago

Just do it Mike! You, around all those artists – you can come to my studio and play someday. Cheers.

Posted by kelly · via · 139 months ago

ps I added your blog to my blogroll. It is inspirational and full of substance. Hang in there. Your family will still be there when you get back!

Posted by mimi torchia boothby watercolors · via · 139 months ago


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